When You Can’t Lead a Horse to Water

Last night was our local La Leche League meeting.  I have been a leader for six years, and along with another woman, we have been having monthly breastfeeding support meetings(or not so monthly during this crazy flu season we’ve had).  We used to have a pretty hoppin’ group.  In past years we would have 6-8 mothers with maybe 4 babies and a few toddlers running around.  The meetings would be so loud with fussy kids we could hardly hear ourselves. Man, those were the days.  I wish I would have enjoyed them a bit more, instead of complaining about how nuts it was.  It was definitely crazy, but we were meeting a need and mothers were glad we were there for them. 

Things have really changed for our group.  Last night we had one person attend other than group workers.  We expected four newcomers who never showed up.  It’s so frustrating when I know we’re providing an important service to the community, yet no one’s showing up to benefit from it.  I blame it on the internet.  When you can get instant answers to any BFing problem, why leave your home to attend a meeting?  But that isn’t completely it.  We are still doing something the internet cannot yet provide.  These four women contacted us and WANTED this meeting, and then didn’t show.  I just can’t figure it out.  We are so close to being done with meetings and being a ‘phone-help only’ group.  In fact, that’s what we’d basically decided until these women called us.  I do think times are changing and our group will have to change to survive, but some women really do want the fellowship of other nursing moms and I think we need to provide that on some level. 

The other issue is, how long can I really keep doing this?  My youngest is six and I don’t plan on doing this forever.  The meetings are a huge disruption to my family life.  We have three kids who have homework, music lessons, scouts, etc. and the meetings take time and preparation.  I planned to keep leading until the time was right to step down.  I have wondered if I’m there yet.  My co-leader says no, so I continue on.  I think I’ll know when it’s time to be done.  But will we know when it’s time for the group to be done? 

Sock Snafu?

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I’m talking about socks again.  There’s the disclaimer.

I started the sister socks yesterday (6 stitch pattern rom Sensational Socks) and I’m not diggin’ the look of them.  Maybe it’ll all work out fine, I dunno.  But the cuff is wider than the leg and it looks very not right.  I’ve followed the pattern for the cuff which is k1p1, normally I do k2p2 so that could be the problem.  I’m teetering on the edge of ripping this sock and starting over with the normal cuff.  However, the leg is very stretchy so I’m thinking it may all be fine and I might just be freaking for nothing.  And for those of you wondering, yes, I did wrap up the two balls of yarn and the beginning of a sock so Sis would have something to open.  I also gave her soap and some handmade hemp bracelets.  She seemed fine with it.  The bummer is that by the time she receives the wool socks she’ll wish I had knitted her a nice lace halter.

Whatever, it’s a sock. War is killing hundreds of people every day, AIDS and cancer are killing even more, people are starving all over the world right now, kids are being abducted and tortured, thousands have no power in their homes from storms of previous weeks, homeless are on the streets and global warming is threatening our very existance.  Here I sit knitting socks.   Yes, I see the big picture.  But there’s a reason why most humans have blinders on.  I’d be a basket case if I was actively trying to change any of these world problems.  As a La Leche League leader for the past five years I have worked as a volunteer in my community to inform and encourage women who are interested in breastfeeding.  I’ve learned from this experience that people enjoy having blinders on.  Women who are undecided about breastfeeding receive our information at various meetings and community events.  We tell them of current research and the benefits of breastfeeding and that breast and formula are not equal, and that breastfeeding will indeed make a difference in the health of their child.  A huge majority of these women decide to formula feed their children.  It is incredibly frustrating as a volunteer to see our hard work make little difference.  It is a human thing, we know what we’re doing, we don’t need your advice, thankyouverymuch.  (Ever try telling a teenager not to do something because you have life experience and you know what your talking about?  We all have to figure it out for ourselves!)

I believe many of these moms are merely going through the motions of becoming informed so that they can say they made an informed decision.  ‘I’ll stand here and take your brochures and hear your spiel, then head to Walmart to buy a case of formula, it’s all the same anyway, and besides, I’m going back to work five minutes after I push the baby out.’ Actually, in my communtiy, it’s more like, ‘It doesn’t matter because the state will take my baby away five minutes after I push it out.’  Sigh.  When my heart was really into it, I took it very personally when I’d work with a mother on a breastfeeding issue and then find out she weaned early, etc.  I was making myself crazy and becoming angry and resentful because it felt like these women were trying to take the easy way out and being selfish by opting to formula feed.  Didn’t they care about the health of their babies?? Hasn’t Hurricane Katrina changed anyone’s views of breastfeeding? I have since learned not to think about it too much in terms of successes and failures with mothers and babies.   I desperately want our perceptions of breastfeeding to change, and of course breastfeeding rates to increase for the health of our children, but I can only share my information and offer encourgement one mother at a time, after that it’s in their hands, it’s as simple as that.  Many times we don’t know the impact we’re making in people’s lives.  Women may decide to breastfeed subsequent babies or encourage a friend to breastfeed because of the information she received from our group.  And if just one mother attempts to breastfeed when she never thought she would, I have made a difference.

Was I saying something about socks?  

Two Mothers, Two Stories

For those of you who don’t know, I have been a certified breastfeeding counselor with La Leche League for five years.  Though I don’t beat women over the head who choose not to breastfeed, I do make every effort to inform and encourage any mother who is interested.  This post is about two mothers I have recently met and their experiences.

The first mother I’ll call Annie.  She first came to our La Leche League  two months ago.  She was married, twenty-six-year-old, bubbly, educated, intelligent, and completely charming.  I was impressed with her enthusiasm for breastfeeding, her contagious positive attitude and sincerity.   She came to the meeting already having read many books on breastfeeding, pregnancy, and childbirth.  There was no doubt in my mind she would make every effort to breastfeed and that she was prepared for her journey into motherhood. 

The second mother I’ll call Sarah.  She was nineteen years old, single (baby’s father not in the picture), and 8 months pregnant when we first met.    We met in a professional setting at my workplace.  She worked a fast food job, ate ice cream to gain weight during pregnancy, and did not exercise.  During one of our first meetings I told her about an upcoming La Leche League meeting and gave her a two minute spiel on breastfeeding.  She took the information and didn’t say much.  I was left wondering if I’d offended her, or if she was depressed about her situation.  She was a very difficult person to gauge.  I decided that the following week I’d give her a folder of breastfeeding information and not say another word to her about it unless she asked me.   The breastfeeding rates of young mothers tend to be very low.   I didn’t have high hopes that she would even attempt to breastfeed her baby.

These two women delivered their babies during the same week, perhaps even on the same day.  That is where the similarities end.  Annie, who was determined to breastfeed, emailed me a few days after bringing baby home with a sad tale of a scary C-section and postpartum depression.  Due to the potent anti-psychosis meds she was unable to latch her baby on to the breast.  She was totally devastated.  She continues to pump her milk in hopes that her baby will learn to latch on when these drugs leave her system in a few weeks.  This experience has shaken her confidence in a woman and as a mother.  She had such high expectations that she is now in deep mourning for the experiences she couldn’t have.  She is also still recovering from her severe depressive episode and continues to get better day by day.   I continue to exchange emails with her and to reassure her that is is okay not to breastfeed, and that she should focus on her recovery and bonding with baby. 

In contrast, Sarah, the young mother who I wondered if she might be a candidate for adoption counseling, gave birth naturally to a four pound eight ounce baby which came six weeks premature.  She hadn’t made it to the meeting and I hadn’t yet given her the packet of breastfeeding info I intended to give her.  When I saw her today she said the baby is gaining well and that a relative is caring for the baby during the day.  I tried every question I could thnk of to ask her if she was breastfeeding without coming right out and asking it.  I asked about baby sleeping at night, she said yes, fine.  I noticed her breasts and shirt did not look like she was breastfeeding.  I won’t go into it, but trust me, I just figured she never even tried it.  Then she said she’d planned to come to the meeting but something came up.  And I finally asked her outright, and indeed, she is breastfeeding and it’s going very well and baby is gaining by leaps and bounds and even the doctor is pleasantly surprised.  Will wonders never cease???   I tell you, this conversation just totally made my day today.  I’m not saying I had even the least bit to do with her breastfeeding success, because I didn’t, but to hear such a story was awesome.  To say I was shocked is an understatement.    For this mom to take on the responsibility of breastfeeding in addition to the overwhelming responsibility of single parenting is absolutely amazing.  And even if she weans tomorrow she will have given her premature baby an incredible gift.  I told her repeatedly what a fantastic thing she was doing for her baby and she beamed with pride.

I never would have expected these women to have the experiences they had.  I would have bet money on their births and breastfeeding experiences based on the women I’ve met in the past five years.  I have learned a great deal from both these women.  Never again will I underestimate a young mother, and from now on I will discuss expectations in greater detail in our meetings.   Just because we plan something, doesn’t make it happen.  Why do women think labor and delivery will be any different? 

Just had to share the joy with you all.  And before you go telling me why you all couldn’t breastfeed, let me say, it’s okay.  For whatever reason you didn’t or couldn’t, we breastfeeding advocates don’t think you’re bad, or less of a woman or mother.  It’s really okay. 

An ad for wearing your baby

 As a La Leche League leader I advocate that mothers wear their babies for the comfort, nurturing, and bonding for mom and baby.  This photo rocks! This photo from the Bonnaroo music fest courtesy of CNN

I am a trained La Leche League leader and can answer breastfeeding questions for any of you that may be in need of that, or I can help point you in the right direction toward helpful local resources, books or websites.  Breastfeeding is a good thing, and very much worth the effort.  And if interested, our group sells these slings as a fundraiser.

A HUGE THANKS TO THE LADIES OF JENLA 

Thanks to them I am feeling much more loved.  Thankyou thankyou thankyou. You are my heroes.  When I began this I wasn't sure what I was doing, I still don't know, but at least now I'm not alone.  And what is so bizarre. . .  I've been reading Jenla and other blogs for months and tho I know they're real people like me, I felt like I brushed with greatness when they commented on my blog.  It totally made my day.  I considered telling DH, but he just wouldn't get it.  He already thinks I've lost it.

SHARING THE LOVE My friend has a blog that is also new and she too has felt lonely.  Please visit her, she's much more organized than I, visits cool yarn shops and she lets her bunny hop around inside her house, (bunny photos on site).  And she needs some encouraging words, please help!